Below is an ad that was recently posted on Craigslist.com looking for a drummer and bass player. Please note the bold font, always the sign of brilliance. Also, pay close attention to the end of this work of English magic:
"Hard Rock glizt glam Gloom Bass players and Drummer WANTED!!! (HOLLYWOOD )
Reply to: gigs-875844997@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-11, 8:58PM PDT
YEAH SO WE WILL BE DOING SOME SHOWS IN LOS ANGELES AREA AND NEED A BASS PLAYER AND DRUMMER. SO ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? AND JOIN ONE OF THE BANDS THAT ARE IN A HARD ROCK GOTH GLAM PUNK STYLE
HERE IS THE DEAL WE ARE A FULL BLOWN RECORDING ACT, SO SEND YOUR MY SPACE,PICS, OR WEB SITE PAGE TO US AND WE WILL TAKE A LOOK. THIS IS FOR THE PLAYERS THAT WOULD LIKE TO JOIN A GROUP AND PLAY, NO MUSIC WHORES NEED APPLY ONLY BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GOING TO BE INTO PAYING YOU TRYING TO CHUMP MONEY FOR GIGS AND REHEARSALS AND YOUR TIME MAKING EVERYBODY THINK YOU CAN CUT A SHOW WITH ONE REHEARSAL"
This upset me. Instead of applying for this "glamorous" position, here's what I wrote back instead:
"Hey Genius,
I saw your ad in Craigs List looking for a bass player and drummer and a few things went across my mind. So I thought I'd share.
You know, some of us actually are competent enough musicians to be ready for a gig in one rehearsal; apparently that's a skill you are so far from fucking fathoming that you're required to resort to insulting those of us who can do that.
Oh, and some of us actually do deserve to be paid for our skill. Imagine that? Some of us didn't just pick up an arbitrary instrument a few years ago for the sheer intention of fucking bar whores and living in a delusional fantasy land about our impending fame in the rock world. We don't call it "chumping" for money; we call it "getting a paycheck." Just like any other job. (Notice I'm separating my points frequently. I want to make sure you read this whole thing, and I know that makes reading easier for mongoloids.)
Some of us have worked our whole lives at our craft, and yeah, might feel like a little compensation would be fair for our years hard work. I know you're probably just thrilled to get a few free drinks as payment from the shitty bars you "play" at, so I'm not at all surprised by your logic.
Oh, and some of us don't have to play dress up to mask our complete lack of musical talent, you fucking glam rocking douche. Now, THAT'S what a call a fucking whore!
I'm so fucking sick to death of you fucking cunts who are saturating LA with bullshit. Next time you approach musicians to help you out in whatever it is that you want to call what you're doing, maybe you'll have the common fucking sense to not insult those whom your going to rely upon.
Have fun crashing and burning in this city with that attitude, fuck head."
Your pal in Christ,
Daniel
