My First Reference Letter to Royal Caribbean

Royal Caribbean requires several "professional" references in order to get hired. I made the mistake of assuming certain people would fall in line with this "professionalism."

With that said, here's the response Maritza, a smart-ass co-worker whom I listed as a reference, took the time to write for me.

1. Position held: Staff writer for the Highlander Weekly Newspaper

2. Dates of employment: March 2007-July 2008

3.Daniel Fritz pretty much sucked the entire time he was employed by
the San Gabriel Newspaper Group. He showed up about two hours late
everyday. If he was to get any kind of award, it would be for the
laziest person in the office (inside and outside of the editorial
department). His hours were spent throwing yellow Starbursts at me
and sending this candy company angry e-mails, demanding that they
recall their lemon-flavored Starburst. And although he couldn't even
finish his stories by our Friday deadline, he did make sure to have
plenty of blog posts for his personal Website on Multiply, titled
Daniel's Place: Almost as fun as Darfur! But other than his profane
use of language, inappropriate commentary and extreme temper tantrums
every time something hit his car on the freeway, he's an all-around
OK guy. I guess.

4. Daniel's main responsibilities were to cover three cities: La
Puente, Covina and West Covina. Most weeks, we were lucky if he
didn't forget to put in a photo assignment for an art with lines for
his covers. In short, he just really sucks.

Ratings: (Based on a scale of 1 being below average, and 3 being excellent)

1.Reliability: 1

2.Organization: 2 (he just this rating for the sheer fact that his
desk was clean most of the time)

3.Time Management: 0. Don't even get me started here.

4.Attendance: 1 We all usually get in by 10 a.m. We were happy if
Daniel got in by 11:30 a.m. Then he would take a two hour lunch at
Carl's Jr. then spend the rest of his days looking up pick up lines
on the internet. He pretty much used up all his sick days in the
first two months of the year.

I guess I'll be sticking around after all.

Yay, the Lakers ate shit and died

I really could give a shit less about basketball. But knowing how many angry LA assholes there were last night makes my heart skip a beat. "D-up" indeed, fags.

Larvets: Perfect for the half man/half lizard in your life

I found these at a gas station on the way up to Lodi recently. Yes, these are real fucking larvae covered in cheese.

Now, I know that in different countries, this kind of diet is fairly normal - which is why I was blown away to see it in central California. The weirdest part was that this was one of the last few boxes of this shit --- an indication that there are, in fact, some fucking rednecks out there in the middle of nowhere with dried pieces of worm stuck in their teeth (and loving every minute of it no doubt)

Apparently, these are made by HOTLIX (www.hotlix.com), a company that specializes in creating food for those who just aren't satisfied with their snack food unless there's a goddamn insect to munch on. This shit is sick, and I venture to say anyone who eats this horseshit is most likely about to either rape a baby or kill a baby. (Equation: Worms + Human Food = Baby Homicide)

The HOTLICKS website that sells these says:
Original Worm Snax in BBQ, Cheddar Cheese, and Mexican Spice flavored worms for your snacking pleasure. Savor the CRUNCH!

Savor the crunch? Ever head of peanuts asshole?!

ZOMG

I don't have any clue what this means, but I LOL'D my ass off......so that's a good enough reason to post it.

Baby Got Back

This baby from China recently had a dong removed from it's back. 

The condition is called FIF, which obviously stands for what the doctor said on arrival: "FuckIng Fagat!"

I think they should have just let him hold on to it. If he turned out to be gay, this kid would eventually cause the ol' reach around to be somewhat antiquated. Zing.

Breaking Manuel Uribe (my hero) Update!

My hero, Manuel Uribe, also known as the world's fattest man (at 700 lbs.) recently became engaged to wed this Claudia Solis - who has accepted the challenge to embark on the necessary treasure hunt to find his johnson. However, shockingly, Uribe, in an AP story said, "We have sex, and in the eyes of God we are already married." 

He's mostly just saying that to rationalize the fact that he can't walk her down the aisle to be married in the eyes of his (no doubt mortified) in-laws.

And despite his innumerable fat rolls, Manuel, who used to be in the neighborhood of 1,200 still refuses to wear a shirt for some reason - even around his lady. Classy!

 

Loving Annabelle and shit

So, in, I don't know, 2005 I think, I was a glorified extra in this super gay movie, "Loving Annabelle." It won some indie film awards I think.

Jake Newton, who apparently was cast as some chick's brother and singer of this band in the film, called in his real band (including me) to be in a party scene.

You can watch a scene which features Jake, the band and a slowed down version of his song, "Awake," here: http://www.logoonline.com/movies/movie/302371/trailers.jhtml

The sections you want to look at are 8 and 9 - those feature Jake and the band.

You can watch the whole movie on this site if you like. However I don't recommend it.

Classic Engrish: Double Happy Dog's Pets

So, there's this pet store right across the street from the Carl's Jr. where I often eat. Every day I sit and stare out the window at this bit of English magic.

Finally, today I got too curious and ventured inside the pet store.

The owner was a Vietnamese guy with a harelip, and after I casually walked around the hot store looking at sad looking animals in small cages, I asked, "What's the name of this store?"

In a matter-of-fact tone he said, "Double Happy Dog's."

A paused for a moment and then said, "Yeah, but what does that mean?"

"It's the name of a pet store."

Then I said, "Yeah....but 'double happy?'"

"Yeah, it's like really good happy."

"Oh," I said, and nodded like I had just learned something valuable. (The only thing I really learned is that this guy saw nothing wrong with having your fucking business name be absolute jiggerish)

I took a picture of the store.

For as much as Americans complain that immigrants need to learn the language to be a productive citizen, you'd think that an immigrant wouldn't be so flippant about not knowing the language at all.

I'm sure the store will do really well.

So, exactly how much shit are we supposed to swallow?