What Grinds My Gears #5: Freeway Rocks

Okay, I'm about ready to fucking loose it.  Let me just recap the events as of late. About six months ago I buy a car. Three months later I hit a bucket in the road, causing my front end to be good and fucked up (see What Grinds My Gears #3).  Today, a month after repairing my front end from the bucket, a huge ass rock comes to give me a nice little "hello" in the form of a fucking cracked windshield. No, not acceptable. 

This leads me to ask a number of questions:

Question #1: What the fuck? 

Question #2: What the fucking fuck?!

Question #3: Do I have a "freeway shit magnet" hidden somewhere on my car?

Question #4: Is it possible to have a nice car in Los Angeles or should I just give up and run my shit off the road right now?

Question #5: Does Jesus hate my ass?

Question #6: What will happen next? Any wagers? Like to start a pool? 

Question #7: Does George Bush really not care about black people?

Question #8: Is this blog gay?

And now the answer cheat sheet:

Answer #1: Not sure really

Answer #2: A cat

Answer #3: I don't see any other logical answer other than, abso-fucking-lutely 

Answer #4: I submit that it is not possible to have a nice car in Los Angeles. I suggest buying a fucking 1997 MPV Van and just run into everything possible. Then keep your nice car parked lovingly in the garage, only to take it out and drive it around the block bi-annually.

Answer #5: Yes, Jesus really, how you say, thinks I'm "abrasive and callus," as he put it. Slowly killing my car may be his way of punishing my "indignities," as he said. I think he's just trying to impress me and cover up his own insecurities by using big words. Pretty transparent I think.

Answer #6: My car will most likely somehow jump off a freeway overpass Dukes of Hazard-

style, henceforth exploding into a heaping pile of shit, thus allowing the planets to align and actualizing my car's ultimate fate. I will then continue to make payments on my non-existent car from the comfort of my hospital bed. And then I'll pee on a nurse.

Answer #7: No.

Answer #8: Yes.

Grinds my gears!

What Grinds My Gears #4: Shower curtains

I know what you're thinking. Probably somewhere along the lines of, "Boy, he's really lost his shit now." Let's just say I'm not going to disagree with you.

Or will I?

I'm not sure really. But the point is, I'm fucking sick of this shower curtain. That's for damn sure.

Essentially, here's the issue: This particular shower curtain that I have in my bathroom happens to lack a certain, how you say, uh, fuckin' stickiness that I would prefer for it to have. What I mean is, it should be "sticking" to the porcelain contour of the tub. Right? Yes, the answer is, yes it should be.

Anyway, it doesn't do that. So, when I'm taking a shower, this fucking thing is constantly all up in my shit! I mean, ALL up in it! It's blowing around for some God-unknown reason, flapping in some mythical mystical breeze that I can't decipher, and I practically have to hump mildew on the other side of the wall just to avoid perpetual molestation from this plastic bitch! No, not acceptable!

This does not make for what I would call a "good time in the shower." And I like to have a "good time." And no, pull your mind out of the gutter for a moment---that's not what I mean. I mean, I like to bring in a beer or an occasion paperback while I'm taking a shower. Why? Well, maybe 'cause I lost my shit, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I can't have a "good time in the shower" with a fucking asshole shower curtain!

What's my solution, you may ask? Well, probably nothing. Most likely it will involve complaining and hoping that it fixes itself. Or I might pour honey on the inside of it so it sticks to the thing. We'll just have to see I guess.

Thoroughly Modern Badass!

I recently played in a production of "Thoroughly Modern Millie," a classic musical production featuring mad chops and the complete badassness of my hardcore shit! Check it out, if you think you can handle it! To the extreme!!!

It totally grinds my gears!

The only thing that grinds my gears is that we
can't make a decent living doing this! C'mon, we're
totally badass! Thanks to Flowerhead for being the
camera-girl once again.