What Grinds My Gears #2: Spiders all up in my shit

Hey spiders, fuck you. You know what really grinds my gears? It really grinds my gears when every single night when I come home I have to walk through a goddamn spider utopia. This is not your world spiders! No, unacceptable.

How arrogant are spiders? Really? I mean, look at them. With their eight legs and ...fuckin thread constantly pouring out their ass. Thread out the ass? I mean, you must realize that when you walk into a spider web, you're essentially walking into spider crap. Bet you never thought of it that way right? No, you didn't. That's why I'm here, to give new perspectives to old concepts.

So, let me get this straight. Spiders have six more legs than humans (yeah, like they never rub THAT in our face!) AND they insist on pooping their invisible shit every possible place....as if they're some kind of crazy fecalpheliac...and they get off on watching people walk into their crap, and then pathetically try to peel it off! No spiders, this will not stand.

I suggest that every time you see a spider, show 'em whose world it is by pulling down your pants and taking a juggernaut dump on their head. I think if enough people do that, we may, just may, get our point across.

Join the fight against fecalphiliac spiders now!

Fatty disrupts other fattys

Why are fat kids so willing to make assholes of themselves?

A fecal mistake

Yesterday I took a crap,
and I decided to take a picture
of it. I aimed my camera into
the toilet bowl and this is
the image I got. Hmm, weird.

Fellow gear-grinders!

Hot shot reporter, Airan Scruby, recently attended a car show in the San Gabriel Valley where she reported hearing the two rednecks pictured above say the following:

"It really grinds my gears the way these kids today don't give a shit about cars or Iraq or America."

Good point. Because as we all know, cars are of equal importance to Iraq and America. Way to propel a stereotype hill-billies.

*note: I can't confirm that these guys are the actual source of that quote....but it'd be funny if they were...and that's all that matters.

What Grinds My Gears #1: Grease

It really grinds my gears when I have to literally study a menu in a restaurant for a half hour just to find what ISN'T deep fried or slathered with olive oil. I swear, every time I sit down in any establishment I'm forced to rule out 99 percent of the menu items for the shear fact that I know I'll end up with some shiny blob of shit. Then, when I actually do decide on something that I think might be safe, like for instance, uh, spaghetti marinara, I still somehow end up with a greasy, greasy pile of spooge! No, restaurants. Not acceptable.

Since when did the entire world start being content with feeling like slimy bastards after every meal? I see people fuckin' slip-sliding out of restaurants all day long! No, blobs. Not acceptable. The shiny blobs need to change their diet or something. The blobs need to band together and say, "We'll mad as hell, and blobby, and we're not gonna take it anymore!" Then the blobs can just shift their collective weight and knock every Church's Chicken off it's foundation. Hopefully the chicken wouldn't pile out on top of the blobs; that'd just be counterproductive.

See, this has to work from the outside-in. People have to first refuse to be complacent with looking like amorphous java the hut creatures, and then the food industry will have no choice but to stop serving pig-fat-marinated-everything! That's the only way it'll change people.

Until then, it will grind my gears and I'll be forced to eat egg sandwiches and ceaser salads until I die a sad, lonely man. But at least I'll have my egg sandwiches to keep me company on my death bed.

Quote of the Day

I couldn't have said it better myself. I love you Pat Murphy, have my babies.

Michelle Stevens at BB King's

Hey, I'll be playing drums for vocalist Michelle Stevens around 8:00 p.m. on Saturday, Aug. 25 at B.B. Kings in Universal City. We'll be playing about an hour of original and cover stuff, so if you're not there, you're gay.

Crowds panic as floods hit Ireland!!

Let's hope the relief effort reaches them before it's too late. Our prayers are with you, proud and brave men of the motherland.

For my own amusement

Now, I'm not so deluded that I think nobody's ever thought what I say, or never said what I think, but that's not going to stop me from saying or thinking it. I figure, why just stop at saying it; or for that matter, thinking it. So, whether it's original or not, I'm going to write it.

If the things I say have been said before, chances are they were said by lesser men (douche bags is what I'm trying to say). Therefore, as a man of dignity, strength, power, limitless sex appeal and the unique ability to not take myself seriously (as if you couldn't tell from the previous four adjectives), I will share the many things that piss me off, make me happy and anywhere in between. I'm sure no one cares, so....

.....this is for me and my own amusement.